If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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