Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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