I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she pinky promised me she was 18
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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