My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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