I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
