My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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