i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My pussy is not your playground.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
