He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
