day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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