Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
