I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
