I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
