If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
