About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
