Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
