Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
