I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
