She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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