Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
