The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
