Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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