Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Even my vagina gasped.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
