i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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