Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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