Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i love accidental penises.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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