We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
