alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
