the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
