so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
