Little spoons don't ask big questions
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
