I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
