I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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