everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
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