If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
