my mouth tastes like poor choices
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
