Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
