I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
