Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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