my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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