Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
