I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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