someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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