i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
