My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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