One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
