Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
