I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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