I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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