Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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