That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
