I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
